Hey everybody,
Welcome back to the Kablamo Quarterly! Since our last edition, America has celebrated its Independence Day once more, and I hope that your festivities were rewarding and safe. Like any good citizen, I spent the fourth of July out on a rooftop with friends enjoying barbecued food and beverages, and trying to celebrate the better angels of the American spirit.
At the end of the evening, we were treated to that most patriotic of spectacles: fireworks in every direction. Our rooftop patio had a 360 degree view, so you could see blasts all around and really appreciate the ubiquity of this practice. Fireworks obviously aren’t an American invention, nor are they specific to celebrations in this country, but boy do we love to blow them up on the fourth of July, so much so that the yearly wake of news stories of revelers getting exploded does nothing to discourage the next year’s display. I always assumed that we celebrated the fourth with fireworks because of our national anthem’s mention of the rockets and bombs giving proof that our flag remained through the night. Now that I think about it, it’s a little weird that our national anthem is basically a celebration of object permanence, but I guess if you can’t be proud of the little things, you can’t hope to get the big things done. As it turns out, that’s not true, but these days things that sound like they could be true are way better than things that actually are true, so I’m still going to use my misconception as the basis for this week’s article!
How might other nations celebrate their independence or founding or birthday based on their national anthem? Let’s find out! I used this random country generator to choose five countries, looked up their national anthem’s lyrics, and brainstormed some fun ideas that they can use for their next independence day celebrations. If any of the countries used in this article would like to adopt these practices, I ask only that each of their citizens like and subscribe in thanks.
Nicaragua
The lyrics of the Nicaraguan national anthem are mostly about peace. In fact, they are so brief that I can include them here in their entirety: “Hail to thee, Nicaragua! On thy land roareth the voice of the cannon no more, nor doeth the blood of brothers now stain thy glorious bicolor banner. Let peace shine beautifully in thy sky, and nothing dimmeth thine immortal glory,for labor is thy well-earned laurel and honor is thy triumphal emblem, is thy triumphal emblem!”
It all sounded pretty nice until that “labor is thy well-earned laurel” line, but hey, I guess a little labor doesn’t sound so bad compared to cannon fire and brother blood. Really, this song is a celebration of silence and work, so it seems like Nicaraguans can celebrate their independence by shutting up and going to work (when you put it like that, it’s a wonder this isn’t our national anthem).
San Marino
The San Marino national anthem officially has no lyrics, but an unofficial set was written for them which apparently remains unpopular with the citizens. Enthusiastically adding a jingoistic flourish to a mandatory thing everybody already hates? Sounding more American already! Anyway, here are the unofficial lyrics everyone hates by some dude nobody liked: “Oh ancient Republic, honour to thee righteous honour to thee. Generous, trusted, Righteous. Oh, Republic, Honour and live forever with the life and the glory of Italy. Oh ancient Republic, honour to thee.”
Reading them, you can see why people don’t really like these lyrics (um, this is a song for San Marino not Italy, famed Italian poet and Nobel Laureate Giosué Carducci, you idiot). I’d expect a famous poet to come up with something that sounds less like Hank Hill listing the virtues of propane, but I’m sure there’s context I’m missing. At any rate, since this anthem officially has no lyrics and everyone hates the ones that somebody tried to tack on years later, maybe the proud people of San Marino can be inspired more by the story of the lyrics than the lyrics themselves, which are bland and for the wrong country. Therefore, I propose that San Marino celebrates its day of national pride by going on IMDb and ratings-bombing shitty sequels to good original movies. Let them know you don’t like that cash-grabbing bullshit, noble Sammarinese!
Guyana
The national anthem of Guyana is quite a bit longer than the last couple, so I’m not going to quote it in its entirety, but suffice it to say that I think it’s actually really pretty. Here’s a sample lyric: “Great land of Guyana, diverse though our strains, We're born of their sacrifice, heirs of their pains, And ours is the glory their eyes did not see, One land of six peoples, united and free.”
You’ve got to love a national anthem that celebrates diversity and unity explicitly in the lyrics. Considering our national mission statement, this sentiment seems like it would be a far more appropriate basis for our anthem than a flag that is–holy shit!–still there! Either way, I like that the people of Guyana went for a pretty Tolkienesque poem for their anthem, and in that spirit, they should celebrate their national day by watching the extended edition of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I’ve got a blu ray copy that you guys can borrow. Hit me up in the comments.
Italy
I’m also not going to quote Italy’s anthem in its entirety due to length, but if you don’t want to click that link and read them yourself, here’s the cliff notes: their anthem is long, a little ornery, and didn’t quite discourage itself from being adopted as a rallying cry for fascists. Here are some lyrics: “Brothers of Italy, Italy has risen, bound Scipio’s helmet Upon her Head. Where is Victory? Let her bow down, Because as a slave of Rome God did create her. Let us join in a cohort, we are ready for death. We are ready for death, Italy has called! Yes!”
Now that I’ve read Italy’s national anthem, I can see why San Marino didn’t want to share it or include a reference to it in theirs. It gets a touch aggressive, to say the least. There’s some nice stuff in there later on about loving your brother, but then it hits you with Cossacks drinking blood and it’s kinda hard to get the vibes back. The aggressiveness of the song combined with Italy’s rank military incompetence for the last 1800+ years gives off real mosh pit vibes, so for Italy’s national day, here’s what I’m suggesting: Riot Fest tickets. They just moved it out of Douglas Park so it’s a little safer and worse now; it’s perfect for you guys!
Dominican Republic
This last one is long too, but here’s the TL;DR: We. Take. No. Shit. Here are some sample lyrics: “Hail, the people who, strong and intrepid, Into war launched itself set to die, When in a warring challenge to the death, Its chains of slavery cut off. No people deserves to be free, If it’s an indolent and servile slave; If in its chest doesn't grow the flame that forged the virile heroism.”
While I’m obviously not too crazy about the idea that a people might deserve slavery for any reason, especially indolence, which could be considered a passive rebellion against the condition of slavery, it’s an altogether rousing national anthem that really celebrates throwing off colonial chains. I’d say it would be perfect for America, except for, well, you know. Either way, based on the Dominican Republic’s national anthem, it seems like their favorite thing to do is tell elitist oppressors to go fuck themselves, so for y’all’s celebration, I’d like to humbly suggest you contact the US Supreme Court via any available means and tell them exactly where they can stick it. I’m sure your country is full of shitty elitist oppressors, like any other country, but if you’d like to take a break from battling yours to say some creative things about ours, just for a change of pace, I’d happily join every Dominican Republican on February 27th in telling SCOTUS to fuck off to a regular retirement home and leave the business of government to elected officials who might at some point experience even a single consequence of their actions.
Happy fourth of July to everyone! Here’s to hoping that next year’s birthday finds us all safer, happier, and kinder.
from experience i can say that there is nothing quite like the fourth of July fireworks from a Chicago rooftop.