Hey everybody,
Back with another Monday substack! We’re going to see how long we can keep this Monday substack train rolling, and that’s actually the inspiration for today’s post: Mondays.
As devout readers may have noticed, this is my third Monday substack in a row, and that’s because I’ve recently found gainful employment with a new company (I like to keep work and stack separate, but quick shout out and thanks to them for all that gainful employment!). New jobs always require some adaptation, but one of the bigger adjustments to this one is that my weekends are staggered: I work Tuesday through Saturday and have Sunday and Monday off. This leaves me in the interesting position of having a day off during most people’s most dreaded weekday. This gives me time to do creative things like cook and write when I might otherwise be encouraged to be less productive with my down time, which is cool, but also prevents me from joining in the shared horror and commiseration of Mondays, which is kind of a bummer in a complex human way.
So today, I’d like to use my downtime to help everybody out with some tips to make it through the worst day of the week. Take it from me, a guy who’s not currently working Mondays: these Monday tips will have you calling Monday Funday before you know it!
Eat and drink horribly the night before. Whatever causes the most gastric distress, load up on those foods and liquids to make sure that as much of your Monday as possible is spent in agony anywhere other than at your workstation. Sure, you could just fake these symptoms and achieve the same effect, but then you’d feel guilty, wouldn’t you? It’s so much better to buy momentary psychic relief at the cost of immediate physical pain and long term inconvenience.
Do you have meetings? Schedule those at 9 AM. That way EVERYONE is going to hate being there and things will wrap up quickly.
Make sure to take lunch as early as possible; if the rest of the day is going to suck anyway, get your break in now while you’re still groggy enough to enjoy it.
If you have any particularly vexing emails, proceed as follows: click on them, read the first few lines, grimace, mark them unread, and hope it creeps to page two in your inbox before they write back. If they ping that thread again that same day, quit.
Microwave your coffee in the afternoon. I don’t care what anyone says, that shit tastes exactly the goddamn same.
If you have any chores to get done outside of work, like grocery shopping, this is a great time to mutter to yourself hatefully and drain a little of that pus before you get home to your heartbreakingly enthusiastic pet or family.
Remember, if you’re having a little trouble falling asleep after the toughest day of the week, nothing soothes frazzled nerves like the soundtrack to Robert Eggers’ The VVitch.
Well there you have it gang, a list of surefire tips to weather the most withering workday. And if you need one more reason why Monday’s ain’t so bad after all, look no further than the currently weekly Kablamo Qaurterly!